What happens when you don’t feel the way everybody thinks you should be feeling? Actually, more to the point, what happens when you don’t feel the way you think you should be feeling?
Everybody thinks I must be soooooo happy because I have had Christmas with all 3 of my sons for the first time for about 6 years. And I am happy but just not soooooo happy! Christmas has felt a bit unreal this year. It took me ages to get into the spirit of it and then ultimately, I’ve been left with a feeling of disappointment.
Expectations are a really annoying part of my life. So often, my expectations and my realities do not match up. Concerning Christmas, I could not have had a better shot at matching the expectations to the reality this year. With BerlinBoy deciding to fly home for Christmas only 3 days before he was actually arriving, as well as deciding to surprise everyone else besides me, and with me being the keeper of that secret, the anticipation ante was certainly upped ! It didn’t, however, lessen the obvious fact that my relationships with my sons are changing – as they should, being that they are now almost 34, 31 & 25! Rather it served as a reminder of that fact, and that I would have to say I am struggling with it.
I probably need to say here, that no one has done or said anything untoward or nasty or wrong. I love all of my Boys and they have in the past and continue to, care for me above and beyond what could be called reasonable, since their Dad got sick and died.
Somehow, having them all here and watching them interact and spend time together, made clear, the path ahead in which I take a lesser role. I know! I can hear the outcry from here …. “You are lucky to have had them involved for so long!!” Yes I am lucky and I do know and I do want them to live their lives independently and have their relationships and jobs and study and careers and travel! I guess what I am asking myself “Where do I fit in? How do I get my needs met without becoming more of a burden?”
During this whole Christmas season, I have not really allowed myself to think about Adrian. My normal quiet times have been full of activity and people. My wedding anniversary, 13 December, was spent with Abi as my house guest. We did go and put flowers on Adrian’s grave but I was happily distracted at the time, by my 6 year old guest and her questions and of course the kangaroos that live near the cemetery!
The actual Christmas celebration was full and busy with family and friends. So much so that I hardly gave Adrian a passing thought. It’s not all that surprising that now, when I have had a few days alone, I find guilt of not thinking about him and the disappointment with myself, to be the most prevalent thoughts and feelings swirling through my head and heart.
I’m almost certain that this post is not coming out right but I have been suffering a kind of writers block, which originally stemmed from the thought that I had killed my MacBook when I spilt a cup of tea over the keyboard. The sheer terror and desolation I felt when I thought I would be without a computer for an extended amount of time and then the week or so before I found a temporary solution, where I could write again, was almost unbearable. I had so much to blog about, so many pen & paper notes and nowhere to publish!
Now I am back online, my brain feels totally blocked!! My mind is racing ahead, worrying about finding a job and money and my health and my weight and my non-existent exercise program etc. How can I be thinking about these things when I am supposed to be “soooooo happy to have my 3 Boys home for Christmas?” So, I am choosing just to spew my words onto the page, in the hope that the purge will clear my mind enough to find perspective and thought control, so that I may be able to enjoy all the rest of BerlinBoy’s holiday at home. That I maybe able to step into the changing relationships with my men, without feeling lost or abandoned.
Here ends the discombobulation of my Christmas!
Now, if my neighbour would just stop smoking, sitting in her back courtyard, so that the smoke does not go into her unit but instead floats directly into both my kitchen and bedroom!!