Doona. Duvet. Continental Quilt. Whatever you call it! It’s too bloody hot but I’m having a Doona Day! I’m annoyed that I’m having a D Day because I haven’t had one since about November 2015 and here it is February 2016, and I’m having a D Day!
Triggers? …. I’ve had a few! To borrow the words from an old Sinatra tune!
The weather is stinking, as we say in Australia. When the temperature rises, my resistance drops. That old dilemma rears its ugly head and dollar signs seem to dance before my eyes morning, noon and night. If the high temperatures invite humidity to join them, the simple truth is that neither my mind, body nor my asthma like it! I just can’t seem to think or function clearly.
Time is ticking and it is now only 19 days until my psychologist is on maternity leave. I’m putting on a brave face but the truth be told … I’m terrified! Yes, I will be taken care of by a new psychologist but Dr. R got me and helped me like no other counsellor I’ve had before and …. I’ve had a few!! It scares me to think that when I thought I was so capably standing on my own two feet, I am in fact, still quite significantly emotionally reliant on my doctor for motivation, direction and support. Disappointing to say the least!!
Employment in a fuller capacity than I am presently achieving, is slowly becoming a more pressing issue. June is the month when my welfare support will no longer be available to me. That seems so close now. After some tentative forays into the job scene, as a now 57 year old, I am feeling less positive than last week. Doesn’t anyone want an overweight, middle aged woman who likes chat to people for a living? Okay, so Oprah has had that covered for quite a number of years now. Other than that – I am out of ideas!
Add to this, the fact that I’ve just had a quote done for some overdue but fairly major repairs that need to be done to the front of my Unit and the best quote comes in at several thousand dollars – without painting!
So today, you will find me in bed, under the covers. And I may have taken a tub of ice cream with me. (It was on sale for half price this week!) I am worried about myself because not only have I retreated to my bed with ice cream but there were two other very important things that I did or rather didn’t do. I didn’t go to my little ballet school job and most importantly, I cancelled my 6 weekly review with my psychiatrist … not to be mixed up with Dr R, my psychologist! I didn’t go to work because I had double booked with my psych appointment but then I didn’t attend the appointment because I felt ashamed that I was feeling low and was worried that I might be offered some meds AND that I might accept them!!
Old habits die hard.
When you are feeling bad, Mandy, make sure you run away from the thing that can help you the most! I know in my head that avoidance is not the answer and I know the things I need to do but sometimes my heart needs to be held and carried and hugged into following my head. So, today I am holding and carrying and hugging my timid heart, that seems unable to find the will or the way. And after today, I will go and do a make up day later in the week at work. I will attend my re-scheduled 6 weekly psychiatric review on Monday and will be honest about my fears with the doctors. I will fill out the resumé questions that my employment counsellor gave me to do. I will get back on that horse, that I am riding to mental health and make progress.
But today, I will crawl back under my doona, eat ice cream from the tub, listen to old music, watch clips of cats on the internet and replenish my soul. Because tomorrow I will be okay.
p.s. This was written yesterday and today I have already had a shower and washed my hair! Streets ahead of myself!!