Enter The Tear ….

I blinked!  Blinked again – hard!  Then I felt it.  One solitary tear squeezed out of the corner of my eye and trickled down my cheek and plopped onto my shirt.  What the hell?  Where did that come from?  I was texting BerlinBoy, or should I say AsianRiderBoy, at the time.

“How’s the trip going?”  “You are wearing a helmet, aren’t you?”  “I’m fine”  “My psychologist is pregnant and going on leave in a couple of months time …..”

Enter the tear ….

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I had actually been feeling a little low this week but the little low was so much better than 3 months ago, that I almost missed it.  It has been 3 whole months since I, under medical supervision, stopped taking my antidepressants and anti anxiety medication.  In those 3 months I have not had one single panic attack; not once has my anxiety prevented me from going anywhere or talking to anyone or doing anything I really wanted to do.  My doctors are pretty sure that I had an allergy to the medication, which was actually creating my severe anxiety.

Here I am, 3 months med free and man, have I done some stuff during those 3 months.  Talk about testing the boundaries.  I have never been a happy flier but I flew to New Zealand for Christmas and back …. med free!  I had 2 heated family fights discussions and came through with relationships intact …. med free!   I have had 2 lots of overseas visitors staying with me …. med free!  I upped my blogging input and launched my new website …. med free!  I got through a major chest/cough/flu bug that took awhile to go away …. med free.  But most of all, I have been a participant in life – not a spectator. 

Proud of myself?  You think?!

And then …. enter the tear!  Of course, it didn’t end up just being one tear but more and more of the silent little buggers slipped down my cheeks and it dawned on me that I had been feeling low all week.  I didn’t stop the tears, I acknowledged them and accepted them.  No one said I wouldn’t have low days or anxious situations.  No one told me that my doctors and therapists would be there for me forever.  No one promised me that I wouldn’t feel alone at times.

The difference was that I didn’t crawl back into bed.  In fact, I never even thought of crawling back into bed!  I got up and moved my body into the world!  I met friends for lunch and an afternoon cuppa.  For the first time in years, when feeling anxious, I moved myself towards people instead of away from people.  I moved.  I didn’t stand still or move  away …. I moved forward!

Proud of myself?  You think?!

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Mandy

Hi, I'm Mandy! Wandering my way through life using words. Family and friends. Connection and community. I care. I write. I share. I post every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and if you'd like receive updates via email please click HERE.

6 Comments
    1. Yes it is, Lynn. If you could have seen me over the last 3 years …. peeking out from under my sheets!!??!!
      So not the ME of years gone by. I am beginning to feel like the old me again.

  1. Good for you Mandy. It’s so normal, and human, to cry and release those tears, especially when you’ve gone through hard stuff. But you got on with things, got out and I take my hat off to you. That quote is so true; it doesn’t matter the speed of progress so long as we’re moving forward. Take care.

    1. Crying is so cleansing for me but I no longer feel like I am going to drown in my tears, Miriam. Slow but sure …. that’s me!

  2. You have packed in an amazing array of activity in those 3 months, I hope you gave yourself a big hug for being fabulous. I find crying a wonderful release and you are so right about acknowledging and accepting then moving on. Remember to do something nice for yourself, you deserve it 🙂

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