If someone you trusted, said to you, that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, that you should be kinder to yourself – pamper yourself, nurture yourself. What would that look like for you?
Well, that’s exactly what was said to me last week. By not just my psychologist but also by some of my friends. The intensity of my grief, last week, was such that not only was I feeling drained and emotional but I was pretty much running on empty. While being given the freedom to express my sadness had in fact lessened the need to do so, it also, left my body and my heart with big gaping holes! I felt that if I didn’t begin to fill those holes with good things – it would not be long before those rips and tears would join up and I would be shredded completely and I’m not sure if I would be able to recover from that! I was very aware that the actual anniversary of Adrian’s death was still 4 days away!
So, on Friday night, operation “Be Kind To Myself” began with me sitting down to make a list of all the things I love to do or I find comforting. My list looked like this ….
Houston ….. We have a problem! When I looked at that meagre list, I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do! Due to some very real health issues that I have had to address over the last month and a bit, the majority of the things on my list were no longer an allowable part of my daily life at the moment! Not one item on my EAT list was even in my house at the moment and due to a new medication I was taking – alcohol was also not a good idea. SLEEP – yes well we all know how good I am at that! Add to that, the fact that the new medication I was on had contributed to 4 or 5 completely sleepless nights in the last month – I could probably cross that “care package” off my list too! Moving on to the TALK section – the knowledge that 4 of my goto talk people, were either travelling, on holiday or I knew were busy over the next day or so, meant that I didn’t have a lot of confidence in that “care package” either!! Which left me with WATCH TV and that is something that I do way too much of and am trying to cut back on …. that and Social Media and, of course Candy Crush!
Okay …. back to the drawing board. If I was going to be gentler on myself – be kind to myself, I was going to have to make another list! My second list looked like this ….
Now here was a list I could work with. So I filled my weekend with beautiful things – both old and new. Some I already had, some I discovered online and some I found deep within myself.
I began by showering and then using those special lotions and potions that I save to use when I’m going out somewhere. I wanted to smell beautiful …. for myself – I was worth it!
I lit my favourite candle and I didn’t care if it was a Christmas smell ….. it was beautiful and I love it.
Next, I downloaded the audiobook of The Night Manager by John Le Carre. The latest adaptation of this novel to television, and the actor Tom Hiddleston, who plays the lead character, is my celeb crush at the moment and I wanted to read the original but have been having real problems with my concentration when reading. The audio book was a great solution and lead me to other audiobooks and I am now listening to The Red Necklace by Sally Gardner, that has the added bonus of being narrated by the gorgeous man himself!! (
Insert gratuitous Tom pic here!)
I rediscovered my love for Shakespeare and listened to poetry from The Love Book app – which can be listened to on YouTube if you don’t want to spend the money to buy the app. I had forgotten that YouTube was good for more than stupidity …. gone viral!
I listened to music that I had forgotten! I listened to my old loves of the 80’s! I sang along! I listened to my favourites on repeat ….. sorry neighbours! I listened to classical music!
I looked at the world around me, in my garden and I marvelled.
I found beauty in words and filled myself up with them and I completed my “Be Kind To Me” weekend by watching both Episode 4 of The Night Manager and Episode 1 of Series 2 of Outlander – two of my faves on TV.
So I am full and I am ready for the next 4 days …. and beyond! And of all the beauty I discovered, I choose to take this poem with me on my journey back to self love!
What would be on your list of “Be Kind To Yourself” things to do?