Easter has got me all confused this year. It’s way too early – it’s only March for goodness sake! How can you celebrate Easter in March? Adrian died at Easter …. in April. He didn’t die in March. He died in April. On an Easter Monday. The last time he spoke to me was on a Good Friday …. in April!
Tonight, in Australia, the footy season begins – the AFL footy season, I mean. The 3 other footy codes have been going for some weeks now. But AFL is our family code although we all love and follow other codes as well.
Tonight, is the first time in 20 years that I am not a season ticket holder of my beloved, but struggling Brisbane Lions team. Financial constraints and not having a job have lead to this hard decision. I felt okay about giving up my membership – right up until last week.
Last week I started to feel low …. really low. I couldn’t put my finger on the reason, so assumed it was due to some lifestyle changes I am in the process of making and that it was getting closer to the 7th Anniversary of Adrian’s death. It got worse and worse. It felt like my grief was going backwards into that quagmire, where I had little control and was unable to move out from the fog. Tears came often and unexpectedly. I was spending more and more time thinking and wishing and longing. I was feeling a strong desire to be with my Boys, which wasn’t possible with the immediacy that I wanted.
On Tuesday, I attended my second appointment with my new psychologist, Dr A. I didn’t even get through the door before the tears began to flow …… well here I am! Meet the real Me – not the tightly held together woman you met at our first visit!! She was gentle with me and compassionate. She waited until the sobbing ceased and then we proceeded to unravel the strands of tangled grief that were binding me.
We spoke about my confusion linked with the Easter/March/April/Adrian’s death. We decided that my mind was really worried that my friends and family might not be able to go the distance if I have such a long period of intense sadness. Dr A reminded me that remembering is a thing – not just for me! That’s why society choses to acknowledge and remember at ANZAC Day and Easter and Christmas.
I was underestimating my friends and family.
We spoke about the footy season beginning and how footy was the glue that kept us together as a family when other things were too hard. Adrian loved footy and he transferred that love to each family member. We decided that my heart felt like I was letting go of another piece of Adrian by not maintaining my membership and how I feel like I am letting him down.
I am not.
We spoke about how this would be the first Easter since Adrian’s Mum had died and how I felt like, yet another person to share memories about Adrian with, is gone. And how sharing memories with my Boys is really important for both them and me. And how maybe, my Boys might be feeling some of the same things I am. They knew how important footy was to their Dad – they chose his Brisbane Lions tie when selecting clothes to bury him in.
I love my amazing sons.
So, yes Easter is hard no matter what month it falls in. Yes, the start of footy season is hard whether I’m a member or not. Yes, losing loved ones is hard – always. But love is strong and active and amazing. And memories are for sharing and sharing and sharing …. So we will gather as a family on Sunday to eat and drink and remember. Remember those many happy times spent at the football. Remember when we were a complete family with a father and a mother and 3 sons who cheered our team to Premierships and ran out to the middle of the Gabba after the game, for kick to kick – taking speccies over each other. Then we will watch our beloved Brisbane Lions try their hearts out. And we will miss BerlinBoy living so far away and we will miss Adrian – but we will remember!