My head has been all over the place these last few weeks! Lots of changes in my day to day life. Reassessment of the direction my life is going in, trying to discover what kind of employment I want to look for, questioning my capabilities to work in a paid capacity and carry my load! Shit just got serious! (I was going to write Life just got serious then because I know my mum will read this and that she doesn’t really like it when I swear but I’ve been thinking a lot about how often I censor myself when I write and how it has been affecting my ability to write. So sorry Mum but ….) Shit just got serious!!
It began with a question posed to me by one of my health professionals – “If someone in an interview, asks you what has kept you out of the workforce for the last couple of years …. what would you say?”
My first thought is always to be honest and say that my mind has been screwed up for the last few years and that it affected my ability to work. But really if you were interviewing a potential employee is that the sort of answer you want to hear? Probably not. That kind of answer just poses more questions than answers.
I guess the other alternatives are to lie, which is not something that I do easily or to be vague and just let the crazy seep out in little bits once I have the job! My psych’s suggested I went with the second although the letting the crazy seep out bit, well that’s my addition! Anyway, just thinking about this has been doing my head in!
The other thing that is doing my head about job seeking, is that I have no idea what I can actually do anymore. Both physically and mentally. People tell me all the time that I’ll find something and that of course people will want to employ me …. but WHAT and WHO? Head done right in!
To top all this off, the one person who has been able to help me undo my head, went off and had her baby boy 7 weeks early! I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish of me but I don’t want my doctors or counsellors or hairdressers to have their own lives. I want them to just have my life because I need them to hold my head together when I find it too hard. So I have had one visit with my new psychologist and I’m sure we will be okay together but right now she is NOT who I want. Right now I want familiar and comfortable and surety. I don’t want getting to know you and what do you think I can help you with and tell me about what’s been going on! But that’s what I’ve got so that will have to do.
Who am I kidding? It’s not just my head that’s been all over the place …. it’s my heart, too! Those wonderful Facebook memory jolters called “On this Day” have been taking me back, daily, to seven years ago when I was slowly but surely watching my husband die. So far I have relived the pain of his move from home to hospital and then palliative care and my realisation that he would never ever be coming home again. Is this the first year Facebook have had this addition? Because I don’t remember feeling so raw quite as early as this – there is still a month to go before the actual anniversary of Adrian’s death. Each morning I open up my Facebook page and am engulfed by memories – some happy some not so happy – that proceed to rip open my heart in a way that I can see and hear and feel those weeks happening again. But this time I don’t have the distraction of being there and doing the things that needed to be done. I only have my heart breaking – daily. And I will go again tomorrow and cry for what was then and feels like it now.
I can’t stop it!
I don’t want to stop it!
But it’s doing my heart in ….