A lot of days, I really need to just get out of my house but I don’t really know where to go or what to do!
Now, I know a lot of you are yelling at your screen saying ….. I just want to stay home today! I would kill for some home time! Yes, I have been there, too. I know that feeling only too well. When your kids and you have so many activities and people to see and places to be, that you would really just like to stay at home and blob on the couch.
But my life has changed and I no longer have kids to run around after or a husband that needs me to attend functions with him. I am only now, realising how much of my social life was moulded around what my family did!
I can see the quizzical look in your eyes … I know, I have been alone for almost 7 years now, how am I only working this out now? Well, for me it’s been like this.
After being a carer of a terminally ill loved one for many years, you sometimes lose yourself. You actually don’t know who you are or what your role is anymore. This most definitely happened to me! Thinking and decision making was just too hard and so friends and family got me through this brain dead time by reminding me to eat and talk and even breathe, sometimes. They also, made sure I would go out – they did this because I needed them too. If they didn’t do it, I would never go out ….. anywhere ……. ever! Unfortunately, there is no time limit on this thing called grief and neither is there only one way to do it. Not everyone needs this help. Some folks are able to keep going with their life, but I am not one of those people.
Slowly, but surely I got back on the merry-go-round that was life and began to work again and go out again. My grief was still there but the times it paralysed me were fewer and I could function. I had become a functioning griever! Better than a nonfunctioning one … but only slightly! I still needed help from friends and family but I could make decisions and I did initiate going out. Progress!
Mental illness hits and I was flung so far off that merry-go-round that I couldn’t even see it or hear the music from the fairground. Once again, those tired and overused friends and family members stepped forward and repeated the medicine of love and care for me. Once again, they reminded me to eat and talk and definitely breathe again. And they took me out – because if they hadn’t, I would never have gone anywhere, ever! Once again, with their help and therapy I am slowly crawling my way back to the fairground. The merry-go-round is again, in sight!
So here I am – Functioning Griever – remembering to eat, talk and breathe but still struggling to go out …. alone! The thing is, that once I am out, I really enjoy myself. I have fun! I need people around me, to bounce off. (That’s the part of my relationship with Adrian I miss the most.) But getting there is excruciating. I procrastinate, I turn up late, I cancel at the last minute. I get really mad at myself. I thought in years gone by, I was an extrovert. I always liked attention – still do …. I think! Suddenly, some words from a blog post from Mrs Woog at Woogsworld came to mind. She used the term Anxious Extrovert and I had a light bulb moment. There I was, looking all cool calm and collected and babbling inane trash and small talk when I get to an event but feeling like dying before I leave home.
So this Anxious Extrovert and Functioning Griever needs to get out of my house to keep living life. But sometimes I can’t think of anywhere to go that doesn’t cost much money, won’t be too hot, doesn’t need my crapped out knees to walk too far!
Not asking too much am I?
What do you do, when you really need to go?