I stopped writing. I got scared. I started to think that because I have a lot of stuff going on at the moment, I might upset someone by writing what I feel. I listened to the outside world and stopped listening to myself.
These thoughts actually began a few months ago, when I wrote a post about my Mother-In-Law. My own Mum, very proudly, told my MIL that I had written about her and then said that maybe I would read it to her. Then she told me …. I felt sick! All of a sudden, for the first time since I began blogging, I was worried about what I had written and whether it would be understood the way I had meant it to be? So I didn’t read it to my MIL – I got scared. Looking back, from that moment on, I began second guessing myself. Writing became difficult. I started to look for topics to write about whereas before I had opened my heart and expressed my feelings. I began writing drafts of posts. Filing my words away so that I could think or should I say over-think, about what I was really saying and how it might be read. None of these drafts saw the publish button.
As I mentioned in my previous update, I have much change going on in my life. My MIL is nearing the end of her life and it has been with much joy and fear and uncertainty that I travelled to South Australia to spend some very valuable time with her and Adrian‘s relatives. It was/is wonderful to spend time with people who mean a lot to the people you love. Due to distance, this is family that I haven’t really known at all. Relationship building, trust and understanding comes through circumstance and communication. A firm foundation was set through these visits, that will surely make life manageable for us all, when the cornerstone, MIL, finally leaves us.
So how has this impacted on my ability to write, you might ask?
All of a sudden, I am aware of new, fragile, relationships growing in my life. These are important relationships that I wish to nurture and keep in my life. These are with people who have not known me – closely! Who may not understand my sense of humour! Who may not read things the way I mean them to be read! I was questioning my “here I am world …. like me or lump me” attitude to sharing on The Mandy Diaries. Will they think badly of me? Will they be scared to share with me, incase they end up in a blog post? So it went like this …
Over think! Over think!
At the same time as this was going on, I found out that I was no longer going to have a job after June. In hindsight, this was not really a surprise to me, as my anxiety issues have impacted hugely on my productivity and my workplace and workmates have been supporting me and carrying me for a long time. The fact that I wasn’t surprised, did nothing to stop the fear, despair, anger, worry, disappointment and isolation I have been feeling. These feelings are mostly directed at myself but I was scared to write about them, as many of my co-workers and bosses read my blog. I was worried that I might hurt their feelings. That they might feel responsible or wish they could do more. None of this would be my intention but they might read it that way! Again …
Over think! Over think! STOP!
And so I did! I stopped! I no longer felt confident to express my feelings by blogging as they spewed onto the page. I needed to have some quiet time to reassess. So I have taken almost a month to think and over think and rethink and over rethink and my mental health has gone backwards quite significantly. I have been putting on the masks I need to wear to do the things I have to do and then hiding at home feeling quite out of control.
I decided to look back at my very first post, in the hope of finding my way back. I found there, that I was writing “my view on life”. MY view! I decided then and there that I have to write. I need to write my feelings out. I need to be authentic about my successes and failures and I need to share this with the world via my blog because it might just give someone else the courage to share their feelings with someone else.
I will continue what I started 10 months ago. To share myself, firstly for my own mental health and secondly, in the hope that others may be comforted that they are not the only ones with fears and insecurities and joys and laughs and thoughts and feelings. To all the readers the have joined me on this journey – thanks for reading and commenting. To those new readers, especially those new family relationships – here I am!
My heart is full and I need to share!