Some weeks are so full of highs and lows that they totally confuse me. The past week I have enjoyed the company of my friends and family, have watched a movie or two, attended a most amazing Adele concert and continued to host my Bible Study group, as well as get ready for our Community Choir Concert, next Monday night! Pretty wonderful stuff for the person who, just a few short years ago, could often be found curled up in bed – in the fetal position!
So happiness abounds – right?
Maybe … but in my alone times this week, I have been feeling distinctly unsettled. Never in the almost 8 years since my husband, Adrian’s death, have I found myself waiting for him to get home before I ate dinner. That is, until last Thursday night! I had made dinner and it was about 30 minutes before I realised what I was doing. I couldn’t believe it. While sitting thinking about this I realised that I had been thinking I was seeing Adrian all over the place during the week. I’d look up and think I glimpsed him. Not in a ghost or spirit kind of way but rather a physical way. I know he isn’t there but I just don’t know how else to explain it. It’s almost as if I am willing him to be here. I don’t think I want him for anything specific. Rather, I just have this overwhelming feeling that I want him near me.
I feel so annoyed with myself!
Yes, I know …
- I shouldn’t be so hard on myself!
- Grief has no time limit.
- That this is the difficult time of the year, with birthday and anniversary.
- The footy season is once again beginning, with all it’s memories.
- And all the rest of the words ….
But I still feel annoyed with myself!
Life is a balance I guess? And my struggle to find that comfortable, even path to walk on, is one that we all share to a degree. Celebrating the good parts and allowing the other bits to be. Acknowledging them but letting them move on doesn’t become easier with time. I still wrestle with what my single person happiness looks like. I’m hoping that I don’t stop with my desire to keep searching for it. To continue to do especially when I don’t feel like it, is one of the hardest but also most useful lessons learnt in therapy this year. I don’t always get it right but I do recognise that being a feeling person does not mean that your feelings should control your actions.
An example of this in action happened before the Adele concert. For the first time in more than a year, I felt the once familiar, now unfamiliar symptoms of anxiety creep into my head and body on the day of the concert. There is never a reason or an incident that causes it. It was just there! Immediately told someone that I was feeling and some safeguards for an out if I needed it once I was at the venue were made. I, also told the friends I was going with and a slight but very helpful change in travel plans were also made. Next I had a one hour nap. All of these things combined, enabled me to get there and a glass of champagne on arrival settled the nerves. Once the wonderful Adele started, I was so entranced and of course because she began with Hello! that I had blogged about HERE – well. there may have been a tear or two shed. A totally magical experience that I didn’t miss out on because I didn’t let my feelings control my actions. Winning!
Big week for me – massive even!!! See you next time1