I’m weary … was the answer I gave yesterday, when my psychologist asked the question – how are you?
My heart is on overload and I can’t seem to stop it. I’m feeling too many feels and I’m taking on other people’s feels and holding them inside me, where they become my feels! Can you be too empathetic? (It’s amazing how close to pathetic that word is). Can you take on too many world issues, to stop you thinking about or dealing with your own little corner of the world?
So much of the past week, my thoughts have been consumed by the plight of the asylum seekers in Australia and how our government is choosing to deal with them – on our behalf. I have been weighed down by the widening divide in churches and families around the question of same sex marriages. The murder of a prominent AFL coach has torn a family apart and a thrown a football family into mourning and has caused me great sadness. The work situation for many, including myself, has made it almost impossible for anyone to survive without chasing the mighty dollar, to the detriment of themselves or their families or their ability to choose a more creative existence.
I’m weary …. is the answer – when I feel the responsibility day in day out for my own needs and requirements. Some days I just don’t want to have to make a decision about …. anything!
Oh to be the little child with nary a care in the world!
On Tuesday, I began working, just a few hours each week, at a ballet school. It’s a kind of Gopher job. I was privileged to be able to listen to the wonderfully healing and soothing sounds of classical music as I worked. Just knowing that the students were dancing their feelings out in the studio next door to the office I was working in, released my heart in ways that were new to me. Just touching and folding the tiny leotards, cardigans, tights and socks, I was combining into packs for sale, moved my overloaded heart and mind and gave it respite for an hour or two.
I don’t want to stop feeling all the feels. That is a major part of who I am BUT it is not totally who I am. Labelling myself as the carer or the emotion focussed person or the people person can be a burden. Labels are something that I often attach to myself. They can alienate me from others and I find myself trying to live up to them. They are simply words that describe a part of me. A part, not a whole! Carrying them around leaves me weary. If I over identify or attach to the feelings and causes of others because I see myself as the “emotion focussed” person, to the detriment of my relationships with those I value – I will be weary!
So this week, I am tracking what part of myself is active when I am feeling all the feels. How I can balance this part of me that impairs my ability to function? It is important to give validation to all the areas and relationships in my life. To make sure I am able to live my life without compromising my values. Maybe, then, I’ll be little less weary.