Writing is never hard for me but writing for others is. I was always only going to write for myself, when I started blogging but more and more I find myself censoring what I write incase “my readers” don’t like it or want to read it. I find myself telling myself that I can’t write another “low” post because that will be a downer for people to read. I ask myself where all my humour has gone? I used to easily find the funny in everything but now I find myself searching for something funny to include. It feels forced when that happens and I don’t like it. I don’t lie on these pages. I only write the truth – my truth – but that truth has often had a good shake and scrub before I publish it.
It’s like I want my writing to fit in somewhere but I have no idea where. I know I have a reasonable amount of readers but I have very few commenters. Is it even a blog? Isn’t a blog an online conversation? If that is the case – I think I am missing the mark. So I went in search of a definition.
A blog is, according to the online dictionary Merriam-Webster:
a Web site on which someone writes about personal opinions, activities, and experiences; also : the things that a person writes on such a Web site
Okay – so according to that definition – I can call what I write a blog!
Then I consult the first definition on the online Urban Dictionary:
A meandering, blatantly uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are interested in their stupid, pathetic life. Consists of such riveting entries as “homework sucks” and “I slept until noon today.”
Is this what people think of my writing? At times, I’m sure this is what I am writing about. Basically, why would anyone be interested or care about my life writings? As I go down the second, third, fourth ….. and onwards definitions in the Urban Dictionary, words like these appear:
ramblings; bitching; attention seekers; sympathy seeking; massive egos; narcissistic; needs to find something better to do
Oh man – I really shouldn’t have gone there but I did and the fact that I did go there is really interesting to me! The more I question whether I have anything worth reading for others, the harder it becomes for me to do what I want to do and that is simply – write!
So I am sitting here, after midnight, feeling teary and lonely and anxious and worried about my life and not wanting to write about it ….. because I have written about it before and it’s not new and it’s not funny. But it is where I am at right now. The words are falling over each other trying to get onto the page and I have been trying to hold them back but I can’t hold them back anymore. I don’t want to hold them back anymore because my truth is not straight forward. I am complicated and annoying and have an addictive personality and I am struggling. I am not writing this for you! But if you happen to get something useful from what I write I’m happy about that.
I am writing this because it eats me from the inside out if I keep it to myself. Why, you might ask, don’t you just write it down in a personal journal? Simply because if knowing that one other person identifies with anything I write and doesn’t feel so alone, then it is worthwhile putting my shit out into the world. I am a functioning mental illness sufferer – who, today, is very close to not functioning! I have so much good in my life but tonight I can’t seem to find it or touch it or feel it ….. I feel weighed down with all the thoughts from my old stories of failure and emptiness.
A splatter post is what I have privately called this kind of writing! I have so much more inside me but by writing what I have tonight has eased my heart and mind enough that I am going to attempt sleep. Sleep, if I can achieve it, is my friend and I need a friend tonight.