I’ll have life please ….. with a side of tears!
Some weeks are just so full of life, that by the time I get to the weekend, I cry! The tears are not always about sadness, although sometimes they are! The tears are about relief and beauty and innocence and joy and tiredness and yearning and stress and isolation and remembering and ……!
I could go on and on about my tears because they are a huge part of my life. I’m a crier you see. Well, maybe I should call it a weeper. I don’t mean to be but those damn tears just fill me up and run over. I’ve tried not to be because it really doesn’t do your make up any favours at all but the more I try not to cry, the more likely it is to happen.
I sat down at my laptop this morning, to catch up on the Facebook status updates that I might have missed over the past week and the first thing that came up was a post of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit and the tears began. This clip evokes such memories of years of BossBoy’s and then later BabyBoy’s, electric guitar playing, emanating from behind closed bedroom doors! And when I say years …. I mean YEARS!!!!! I know that music like I know the back of my hand, as first one and then the other, 10 years apart, taught themselves to play. So why the tears? Because my house is quiet now. All of the musicians that I lived with are gone. Adrian to heaven and the Boys to there own homes and my house is silent. Playing a recording just doesn’t hold the same appeal of hearing the same riff or chord progression over and over until it is played to the developing musician is satisfied. I miss this and the tears trickled down as I remembered.
Two of my dear friends have had serious medical issues to deal with this week and as I read updates and thought of them and their families, I wished and prayed and hoped and cried. This time the tears were a mixture of relief and anger and sadness and hope and resolve. I am here Lord, use me!
Next, someone posted a clip of David Beckham’s last game before retirement, for PSG in 2013. The footage was of Beckham, in isolation, in the last 5 minutes that he played. The commentary was in French and it was set to music. I sobbed like a baby! I have seen this footage many times before but this time it meant something different to me. Here was a man to which football (or soccer) meant life and in the last 3 months, I have experienced the power of football meaning life. Watching my son and his team, celebrate football as a expression of life, in what could have been a very dark time for them all, has been one of the most uplifting things to happen to me – ever! The side of tears here were a full bodied, hearty soup!
Children are one of my great happinesses. Is that even a word? So to attend a school production, where parents, teachers and students join together in a creative project like a musical version of Alice in Wonderland gave me great joy. To see my darling Abigail, who was too young to participate in the production, wholeheartedly embrace the show as an audience member, made my heart burst with delight! She dressed the part, sang along and danced on her mother’s knee. Looking at photos of her this morning, made me long for the lack of inhibitions she exhibited. My tears flowed for her joy, for my sadness as she keeps growing too quickly and for my gratefulness at being a part of this family.
At the same time, in another country, my mother celebrated her 86th birthday. The Facebook memory app gave me the ability to look back over the years and I marvelled at how many recent times, I had been able to be present with her on her birthday, to celebrate together. My mind, also wondered how many more birthdays we would be able to celebrate together in the future? Brushing away a single tear, I chose not to dwell on this but thought of how lucky I am to have such a fit, healthy mum – who loves her family and her God.
My week has, personally, been filled with a large chunk of emotional and physical pain and with that pain – tears. I have struggled through the emotional self doubt trail that is job seeking. I cried about it with my sons and they picked me up and set me back on the right path and I moved forward. My body appears to have let me down, physically, this week. My knees and lower back have been the cause of tears of both pain and frustration, at my inability to continue my exercise program. I know both will pass but they have impacted on my ability to sleep – or not sleep! My continuing battle with insomnia, I believe, came to a head when I had two minor scrapes in my car. Neither did more than dent my pride (and a minor dent in my car bonnet) but when you are so tired that your judgement when driving is off – this has to be a concern! Maybe I should try crying myself to sleep …. this used to be a solution for me as a teenager, when my heart had been broken! Although they come readily when thinking about this subject, I hasten to add, I am certain tears are not the answer this time.
So here I sit, with a tear stained face – not sad, just knowing that I have lived a full week. Full of thoughts and feelings and people and experiences and …. life!
Life ….. with a side of tears!