From time to time I get honest and asked for, blog feedback from those closest to me. Sometimes, the feedback is slightly negative, A couple of the things shared with me were that a lot of times my writing is heavy and sad, when I had indeed, promised I would use my blog to help me find the joy in my life. Another is that it doesn’t have a direction … that I should choose one focus topic and only blog about that. For instance gardening or weight loss or mental health etc and that people, aren’t really interested in my life and family. Since this feedback (remember I asked for this honesty) I have found it most difficult to write. Unable to trust my judgement on what is publishable or not. And why I feel the need to publish such personal stuff anyway? I’m not sure I know the answers to these questions but I am interested in any constructive feedback, you, my readers might have.
So with all that I mind … I give you a very long, sometimes sad and dark, mostly directionless post. It is my truth and that’s all I have to give. If that is not what you want to read … just keep on scrolling by.
2017 – I’m ready for you!
Those were the words I ended my New Year’s Day post, 24 days ago! At the time of writing it, I believed it. Now? I’m not so sure. I feel stuck in my 2016 suitcase. Smothered by old musty clothes, that need to be unpacked, sorted and much of them donated. I thought that I could just walk away from that suitcase, never giving it a second thought … only taking the wonderful and good with me as carry on luggage into 2017. But when I opened my hand luggage, intertwined with the happiness and joy, was the ugly and sadness and uncertainty. And it wasn’t long before I had dipped into the musty clothes and was wearing them around my home and felt safe although certainly not happy!
The outcome of this is that I have been feeling blocked. Blocked physically. Blocked emotionally. Blocked mentally. And writer’s block. What I hoped would be a smooth run into 2017, has in fact, become a series of traffic jams and road blocks.
I’ve been feeling physically blocked because remember how I spilt tea on my computer before Christmas? Well, it’s working just well enough to keep me hoping. But at this stage the keyboard doesn’t work at all! So I am using my portable blue tooth connected one which is great most of the time but is prone to jumping letters or multiplying letters! This makes the actual process of writing quite slow and laborious. Which brings me to my second physical impairment – my back! Remember when my bff and I flew to Sydney for a weekend away? Well, while I was there, I jarred my back, going down a flight of steps. Yes, I know that was a while ago but it hasn’t improved – rather it has become more persistent and painful. Sitting, walking, doing …. anything makes it worse. Not really conducive to sitting typing, if you know what I mean?
Today, I stood in the middle of my kitchen/dining room and looked around. It is grubby – there are no other words for it. Grubby and dusty and messy. I wondered how it got that way but in reality I know. It was a snowball that just rolled through, firstly my house and then my life and in the past it usually ends with isolation and closing out the rest of the world. That snowball just picks up all the shit along the way. Every insecurity and self doubt jumps on board and freezes out any positivity.
I am so mad at myself for letting it happen again. Surely I can recognise the signs early enough and therefore put a stop to the nonsense? I have had years of therapy now. I know the techniques. But something happens when changes occur that mean I have to go slightly off the track … it’s then I become hesitant and unsure. Second guessing and over thinking become the all encompassing modus operandi. I no longer trust my ability to make sound decisions and so I ignore things and avoid things, especially the mundane things like housework or paying bills or shopping or cooking. I actually don’t remember the last time I cooked myself a healthy dinner. I am living off my pantry and fridge without doing much by way of replacing the items.
I have been in my pyjamas after lunch, for two days this week. But on other days I have showered, dressed and gone out. I had appointments and commitments and I am keeping those! Well, that is different than last time! Unfortunately, it is home that continues to be the problem. Home used to be the problem before – as well as going out! But now it just seems to be the actual day to day living stuff that I am struggling with. No panic attacks … give that a tick … improvement! Yes, there are definitely changes from last time, positives even, but always the underlying fear.
So what is this fear? Obviously, it is more than one thing so maybe if I write down some of the things, I will be able to deal with them better.
Lets start with the big one –
- the fear of being alone! Okay, that is a reality – I am alone. I no longer have that intimate partner to share and love and grow old with. My boys are men and can no longer fill that gap for me. They have been doing it for almost 8 years now but I miss the close contact we used to have. Do you know that some weeks I can go a whole week without actually touching another person? Try it sometime. It isn’t fun especially for a touchy/feely person like me!
- the fear of not being able to pay my bills. That will soon be a reality. I do not qualify for disability pension and Newstart pension is not enough to cover my day to day living and so once again my savings are taking a beating. Which leads me to the next one …
- the fear of working. For the first time in this hell I have been living in, I have no desire to go and get a job! That is a massive change and that is bad because I need to find a job but continually worry about how my body will cope with work after all these years. Also, who would want a 58 year old anyway?
- the fear of physical illness. I have very bad knees, due to arthritis and a fall I had a couple of years ago. As well, my above mentioned back. These things combined with my terrible eating, have meant I cannot exercise (which I hate when there is no pain) and I’m sure I have put on every one of the 13 kgs I lost last year. I’m too scared to weigh myself and I am angry with my lovely GP because when I went to see him about my back pain, he just looked at me and said … Lose the weight! Not helpful Dr Luke!! At the moment, I am having weekly massage, cupping and acupuncture with my Chinese Wonder Woman Ying, to relieve my pain. Chronic pain does not make for a happy camper.
That’s enough fear for now but where does it leave me? One of my favourite bloggers and my online friend, Eden, used the word Soultired today in her blog post and I don’t even know if it is even a real word but it describes perfectly how I feel. I AM SOULTIRED! But of course I still suffer from insomnia, so I can’t even rest my weary bones – leave alone my soul or my heart or my mind.
So in the words of my favourite Christmas movie – Love Actually