How many days in a row can you cry?
How many times a day can you cry?
How many things a day can cause you to cry?
These are the questions that have been running through my head the last few days. You see, I’ve still got another 6 days until the 7th anniversary of my husband’s death on 14 April …. and then another 2 after that until his birthday on 16 April. I am really beginning to think I won’t make it this year. I’ll just be a shrivelled up, dehydrated shell by then! Maybe this is the grief version of the 7 year itch, that I never experienced during our marriage.
I am so sad!
I am barely hanging on as a functioning griever. Yes, I am making it to all my necessary health professional appointments and I am attending an amazing amount of social occasions – considering! But as soon I make it home, the dam opens and I am drowning in my grief. Day or night – it doesn’t matter. Nothing distracts it. I’ve tried. I’ve also tried controlling it. But that’s not working for me, either.
My psychologist, Dr A, is cross and disappointed with me. She says I am too hard on myself. She suggests that I should allow the grief and tears to flow. Embrace them. Give myself permission and let go. Then, if and when, there are calm, in between times, go do something that needs doing. So I’m giving that a go – starting tonight.
I have a new addiction! It’s a TV show called The Night Manager. I love this show and the lead character, Jonathan Pine, played by the absolutely perfect Tom Hiddleston. Apparently, most of the younger female population have known about him for quite awhile but me, not being a Marvel series movie fan – I am late to the party!
Why am I telling you about this in the middle of a post about my grief? Well, I was Googling the gorgeous Mr Hiddleston, to see if he had been in any other shows or movies that I should be checking out! It was there that I discovered his just released movie is – I Saw The Light – the story of American music legend Hank Williams, in which he plays the leading role. Have you ever listened to Hank Williams music? I had not as I am not a country music fan really, but the bluesy feel of this made me give it a go.
This music is so sad!
I have found the perfect music to accompany my intense grief and I intend to use it. I sure hope I make it to April 14 …. if you can’t find me …. I’ll be the salty puddle on the floor next to the laptop, that’s playing Hank Williams: Greatest Hits!