Pandora’s Box.

Life it just keeps going doesn’t it?

My computer woes have not been solved permanently due to lack of finances but a good temporary solution is in full swing.  Basically, I can’t afford the $1400 I need to repair my MacBook.  No, insurance doesn’t cover it and I can’t afford a new one but as it is only the touchpad and keyboard that are not functioning, I decided, with the help of a friend who agreed with my idea, to buy a reasonably good wireless keyboard and continue using it until it dies – which maybe a month or 6 months or tomorrow!!  Then I will have to replace the computer in its entirety.  So that is what I have done and I am back is business!

When I was a child, I was the best sleeper I knew but now there is a war going on in my head, body and bedroom!  My sleep patterns are all over the place and so this week I began a massive detox of my screen time.  I have to tell you that I am finding it incredibly difficult and found it necessary to modify my Psychologists plan initially because the removal of computer, phone and television after 9pm was just too much – add to that the movement to decaf tea in the evening … I tell you I am going crazy with boredom.  Unfortunately, my ability to read has been severely affected by my addiction to screen time.  I really find it difficult to maintain the concentration required to read books.  I’m hoping this will improve in the coming weeks, as my screen time becomes healthier because I love books.

It’s school holidays here in Queensland and I have had three lovely catch ups with my friends who have school age kids.  This meant I have had lots of hugs and cuddles and have shared lunch, a cuppa and my sweet Abi’s 7th birthday tea.  These are the people who sustain me when things are hard and share their lives with me always.

This week will be hard.  Actually, is already hard.  8 years ago on 14 April, my husband died.  8 years ago …. How can it possibly be that long?  It falls on Good Friday this year and although I’ve been slowly finding my way back to church over the last few months. I won’t be attending church for the Good Friday service.  I would find it too sad.  I will go on the 16 April, Easter Sunday, which also happens to be my husband’s birthday, hopefully it will be a bit cheerier!

8 years … tears are falling now because I feel like I have let Adrian down, which is really just my way of saying I have let myself down.  I’m still fat!  I’m still unemployed!  I’m still a crap housekeeper!  I still stuff up relationships with those I am closest too!  I am still alone!  I still have a strained relationship with God and my Church!  I still get addicted to all the wrong things!

Why the hell am I publishing the last paragraph I have just typed?  Is it just attention seeking? Manipulation?  No, it is neither of those things. My psych would tell me that is my old story but it doesn’t apply to the person I am anymore.  I know she is right and most of the time I believe it.  But I need you to know that everyday – every day – is a struggle!  Some part of every day, I don’t trust myself to go on writing and living my new story!  I don’t remember the last time I jumped out of bed, looking forward to the day ahead.  Everyday I force myself out of bed, when I would rather stay under the covers.  That doesn’t mean I don’t feel joy in my life, I do … but it is fleeting and hard for me to hold on to for any length of time.

There are many “should’s and shouldn’t’s” and just as many “thankful and luckys” swirling around in my heart and head at the moment but I am going to leave them unspoken.  I know them all. I have already spoken them to myself many times over the last 8 years.

What I know for sure, is that this week is my most hated week of the year.  I also know that I will get through it BUT what I really want, is a current photo of Adrian, because that would mean I wasn’t alone.

Mandy

Hi, I'm Mandy! Wandering my way through life using words. Family and friends. Connection and community. I care. I write. I share. I post every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and if you'd like receive updates via email please click HERE.

5 Comments
  1. Sending you lots of love Mandy. I wish Adrian (Mr Weber) was still here too. Big hugs.

    1. Oh Catherine, I know he would be thrilled at the wonderful young woman you have become. I also know he would want you to call him Adrian xx

  2. You’re not completely alone. You have his memory and the time you spent with him. Oh, I know it’s not the same but he’ll always be a part of you. I wish you wouldn’t beat yourself up over your sadness. But I’m so sorry for your pain. I know nothing I write can take that away. Just know that there are people out there who care for you. You’ll get through this week Mandy. Everything passes. Be kind to yourself okay. xo

    1. Yes, every word you write is true, Miriam. Thank you for being so supportive xx
      The black dog is strong this week but he will not win.

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