As I crawl towards the exit of the dark tunnel that has been my safe place for the last few months, I notice that I am able to view my world, once again, concentrating on the things I can do or have done or will do – rather than can’t, won’t, will never do! Yes, that tiny light I can see at the end of the tunnel seems to be slightly brighter than a glimmer. I feel a sense of relief, tinged of course with caution. Why caution you might ask? Because I have been here before, only to quickly retreat at the first sign of real life! It felt like I was trapped for a really long time in the tunnel, with only my black dog as company!
Hey Depression, you need to remember – I am a cat person … I don’t even like dogs … at all … they scare me! So just leave me alone … with my cat!!
So what have I done that is helping me to crawl towards the light at the entrance? I’m learning to have the same compassion I feel towards those around me and those in need in the world, to feel that towards myself! That has meant removing all those “I should be …”, “I could have…”, “I don’t know why I can’t just …”, “What if …?”, “Why can’t I …” statements from my vocab and my thoughts. Rather, concentrating on giving myself a break and acknowledging all the things I can and do do each and every day. Sounds easy but in reality HARD!!! It has helped to write down each night the things I have done – not the things I am grateful for but actual things I have achieved, like getting out of bed and having a shower – even when I am not going out anywhere!
Next (and this is a biggy!) I broke up with Foxtel! I am going out with Netflix and Stan but nothing like the intensity of my relationship with Fox TV, especially Fox Sport! I have to be truthful, after a month without it … I’m not over it yet and I don’t think I ever fully will be. With only one or two games of AFL a weekend and no more Gerard and Robbo, I can safely say I hate free to air television and am filling my viewing hours with streaming documentaries and British crime shows and movies from Netflix or Stan.
Connected to the previous paragraph is my next action in Operation Kill the Dog is changing my viewing habits. No more death and destruction in the hours before bed but rather Rom-Com’s and Musical’s and Concerts and Love Stories! No more late night drama’s – these can still be enjoyed but much earlier in the day. Now I may be crying more frequently but these are healthy tears. I really feel like I had stopped crying! I am and always have been a crier and so when I stopped, I stopped feeling! For me that isn’t helpful. So bring on the waterworks and have a good cleansing cry before bed. Last night for example, I cried my way through the 2007 classic that was
p.s…..I love you!
I decided to look forward for my music pleasure rather than immerse myself in my old favourites. Sometimes the memories that my old favourites evoke are too strong and too real. As much as I love R & B and some Rap – that fact that most is ladened with demeaning sexism bullshit meant I had to look further afield. Ed Sheeran or Sia came immediately to mind and James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke gives a good account of both of them and their music. However, I wanted whole albums to listen to – straight through, just like we did back in the day. I also wanted to listen to some young fresh super stars and so I chose Harry Styles and his self titled first new solo album ( Harry had also been on Corden’s Carpool Karaoke) and Lorde’s new release Melodrama. Both are really exceptional albums in my opinion. Lorde hasn’t been on Carpool Karaoke … yet, but this interview on Australian 60 Minutes will give you insight into this interesting New Zealand superstar.
I really love all of Harry’s album, especially the rock songs and have previously shared Sign of the Times at the end of my blog post entitled Depression. So this time I am sharing the beautiful
Lorde’s Melodrama has some really great dance tracks but it’s the haunting Liability that really spoke to me, when I think about the internal monologue that I continually have with myself. I recommend the whole album but present for your listening pleasure
So there’s a peek into my toolbox and a look at the tools that I am using to inch my way towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
Slow and steady as she goes and it seems to be working!
p.s. A big shoutout to James Corden – his singing matches the music superstar guests week after week!