Sliding Door.

It is 5:30am.  She gets up, showers, blow dries her hair, puts on make up, eats a healthy breakfast and spends a few minutes checking emails and Facebook.  Today will be a good day.  It is a statement made!  There is somewhere to go. something to do, someone to see.  It could simply be an appointment with one of her doctors or baby sitting or simply a cuppa with her friend or one of her sons.  It is a purpose that doesn’t require too much of her.  But it is planned ahead and it is doable.  In the car and off she goes …. silent prayer goes up …. please let it be a good day ….. statement made!

It is 5:30am.  She looks at her phone.  It’s only 20mins since she last looked and an hour since the time before.  She’s been pretty much awake since 3am.  She knows she shouldn’t be on her phone or computer during the night, but she finds it reassuring to know someone is out there.  She hopes that they are there for her but she knows they aren’t.  Just ordinary people from around the world, spending a few minutes checking their emails and Facebook, before they begin their day full of purpose and activities.  She drags herself out of bed and wraps her arms around herself, in the hope that the human contact will be enough.  It never is.  There are things to do today – groceries to buy, a parcel to post, phone calls that need to be made.  Sitting in front of her computer, she realises 2 hours have passed playing mindless games.  Breakfast is half a 950g tub of yoghurt, so that she can down her medication.  She knows she should pick up the phone but it is physically impossible.  If she does, someone might be on the other end.  At 2pm she decides to eat the rest of the yoghurt for her lunch and realises that she is still in her pyjamas and still playing games on her laptop.  She remembers that she had things to do but only makes it to the couch to watch a movie on TV.  Her cat comes too sit on top of her, she hopes the contact will be enough.  It never is!  Only a few hours until she can go to bed.  Silent prayer goes up ….. please let tomorrow be a better day ….. statement made!

It is 5:30pm.  She is out at a social gathering.  Her eyes are bright  and her conversation  comes easily.  She is with friends who care about her and feels relaxed and safe.  It is a good night.  Food, a gin & tonic, conversation and music – all her favourite things.  She readily accepts the hugs, knowing that the human contact will be enough.  It is!  On the way home she says it has been a good night  and that she enjoyed herself.  She leaves her friends at her front door.  She enters and knows that she should go to bed but the silence of the house is too loud.  What will she fill it with – music, TV, movie, internet, a tub of ice cream?  She can feel the heaviness in her stomach and tries to remember the warmth and peace she felt, earlier in the evening when being hugged.  Her arms snake around her body – all she feels is a longing!  She takes her night time medication and waits for the soothing drowsiness to arrive.  Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t!  It is already 1:30am as she moves from the couch to her bed.  Silent prayer goes up ….. please let tomorrow be a good day ……  statement made!

It is 5:30am.   She …

 

Mandy

Hi, I'm Mandy! Wandering my way through life using words. Family and friends. Connection and community. I care. I write. I share. I post every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and if you'd like receive updates via email please click HERE.

6 Comments
  1. This caught me Mandy. If, on my own, I feel, I too, could be feeling this. Keep talking cuz. Hugs.

%d bloggers like this: