For someone that loves to write, I sure do hate writing down things that may cause me to have to be accountable!
Creative writing … yes please; retelling a story … why of course; describing a place, person or incident … my pleasure. Listing the actual food I eat each day … no thanks; making note of how I spend my money … I don’t think so; even journaling the steps I use to work through any anxiety that may come my way when health issues are involved … you can’t be serious?
This week I’ve had plenty of time to think about this contradiction, as I have been at home with a tummy bug. Yes, it is much better thank you very much … and how was your week? Changing the subject? Avoiding the topic? Me? Never!!
To write creatively is exciting and energising (mostly) and clarifying for me. It helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings and the direction I want to go. I try to always be truthful in my writing. Even if, at times, it may be embarrassing for me or challenging for you, the readers. I feel able to lay my life out on a page, for you all to share, in the hope that you might feel like you are not alone. So that you know there is someone else making the same mistakes as you. Experiencing the same joys as you! Feeling the same frustrations as you! Laughing at the same stupidity as you!
What is it that holds me back from being a truth-teller to myself, about myself, concerning the Big 3?
When I write down goals or lists or journals or diaries about these things, I am the only one who will see them! Do I not trust myself enough to share my inner most desires with myself? Do I have to remind myself that they are my thoughts and words, from my brain! I already know the stuff … I thought it up!!!!! Who am I scared of shocking? Me? It is ridiculous that I think this way. Lying to myself, through avoidance is not going to move me forward and I need to move forward.
It is easy for me to be accountable to the world by writing about it here on my blog. But I need to be accountable to myself, here at my kitchen table. I need to be honest with myself about my shortcomings. I need to ask the questions of myself that need to be asked. And more importantly, I need to answer the questions that need to be answered. It’s the fear of those answers that cause me to stagnate. The really crazy thing is that because I haven’t asked those questions or taken the necessary tests or added up the sums – I could actually be in a better position than I think I am!
How are you when it comes to accountability?
Are you able to be ruthlessly honest with yourself? Or do you bargain your resolve into oblivion?