Worth the Weight (Part Two) Exercise Endorphines, I’m Still Waiting For Those!

Do you ever go to bed at night, satisfied that you have done well – achieving much for the day – only to wake up with dread and thoughts of inadequacy?

I did, just last night!  I went to bed basking in the fact that I had attended work for 2 full days (well full for me) this past week and I had enjoyed it!  I had managed to be there for an ill BabyBoy, provide some reasonably healthy meals for a few days in a row, grocery shopping had been done and the weekend was in sight.

I woke early this morning feeling like every bone in my body had been through the mill.  I ached in places I didn’t know I could ache and I felt every kilo of my overweight body dragging me down.  I still feel this way, even though it is now 4 hours since I woke.  I just don’t know what to do to make me feel better – physically.

Do you know how difficult it is to do any sort of exercise when you are hugely overweight like me?  Well, it is almost impossible to find an exercise that is safe and not too scary to do.  Many of the exercise machines are only for use if you are under 100 kilos – that’s not me!  I don’t feel safe on my exercise bike anymore.  Pathetic is the word that comes to mind but I know that  is my old failure story, that repeats in my mind and so I quickly acknowledge it, as I would an acquaintance, and try to move on to the friend that is the new chapter I am writing in my head.

Walking is an easy exercise that everyone can do – right?   Wrong!  Walking is a difficult exercise for this obese person to do because my breathing becomes scarily difficult in a very quick time, leading straight into an asthma attack or coughing fit.  Then there is the chafing – thank God for 3B Cream!  Useless is the word that comes to mind but I know that is my old failure story, that  repeats in my mind and so I quickly acknowledge it, as I would an acquaintance, and try to move on to the friend that is the new chapter I am writing in my head.

Swimming – everyone knows that swimming is the best exercise for obese people.  Do you have any idea what it is like for me to put on my togs and walk out into the public?  Think about those insecure times that you may have on the beach or at the pool and multiply it by a hundred times.  Terrifying is the word that comes to mind but I know that is my old failure story, that  repeats in my mind and so I quickly acknowledge it, as I would an acquaintance, and try to move on to the friend that is the new chapter I am writing in my head.

It is the same going to a gym.  I know that people are probably not looking at me but I literally want to die with the embarrassment of the situation.  Pilates!  Yoga!  Tai Chi!  All great suggestions given to me by caring people.  Have you ever seen really fat people doing these activities?  Well, I have not.  Simply getting up and down off the floor is a major production.  My knees don’t work like yours do.  They have been carrying my body for many years  now and they function like an 80 year olds, waiting for a knee replacement (which I wouldn’t get because I carry too much weight).  Excuse is the word that comes to mind but I know that is my old failure story, that  repeats in my mind and so I quickly acknowledge it, as I would an acquaintance, and try to move on to the friend that is the new chapter I am writing in my head.

Did you know that sitting, standing and even lying in bed or on the couch is painful when you are a real plus size?  It does. Ridiculous is the word that comes to mind but I know that is my old failure story, that  repeats in my mind and so I quickly acknowledge it, as I would an acquaintance, and try to move on to the friend that is the new chapter I am writing in my head.

I want all this to stop!  I have no idea how to make it stop but I have to find a way or I am going to die!  And that is not the old failure story, that repeats in my mind.  That is my reality!  I am learning to control the negative stories that I constantly tell myself and replace them with new chapters to repeat in my mind but that does not help the physical pain I constantly feel.  I don’t know what to do to make the pain go away.  I would love to be able to do some gardening without feeling like I was going to die!  Or walk to the letterbox without sweating so much that I have to change my clothes after.

My best guess at a solution would be some pool exercise class.  Just writing that here is making me super anxious.  Anxiety is something I am learning to live with and yet not let it take control of my life.  It is a slow and harrowing journey, that is taking much longer than I would have ever dreamed it would.  Movement forward contains pain, just as raw as the physical stuff does.  I feel less like I am going to die from anxiety than I did 6 or so months ago.  So I guess slow movement, in fact any movement is the key!

So, you see – no glib one liners today.  Not even any answers or inspirational quotes or pictures.  Just the hard, ugly, truth sharing that we often hide away from others and most importantly ourselves.

Mandy

Hi, I'm Mandy! Wandering my way through life using words. Family and friends. Connection and community. I care. I write. I share. I post every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and if you'd like receive updates via email please click HERE.

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