Monday mornings are not my friend. They come after the weekend. Weekends, for me, seem to be full of isolation and self pity. They begin with so much anticipation on Friday but they are a slow descent into all the things that I substitute for living. So by the time Monday morning comes around, I have set myself up for a Monday of doubts and fears – like today!
I had been thinking that Monday-itis was actually the problem but with hindsight, I believe it is indeed, the weekends that are my problem. It seems that my life kind of stops on the weekend. I have no appointments to make sure I get out of the house. I am considerate of my friends and their precious family time , so I often don’t contact them over the weekend. Sometimes, this means that I do not actually speak to anyone else for the entire weekend. This past weekend was one of those …. did not speak to anyone except the RACQ mechanic that came to start my car when the battery died. He was here all of 20 minutes and I told him my entire life story! Poor guy!!
When I don’t get to speak to people, I very quickly fall down the rabbit hole of the online community. I become obsessed with Twitter and Tumblr and other peoples blogs and Facebook posts. I comment and reach out obsessively – searching for that contact I crave so much. It becomes my entire focus and sleep and ‘real’ life becomes a blur …. which is mostly what I’m trying to achieve.
This is what happened this weekend! I apologise to anyone who received a comment or message from me that was just a bit ‘off’! I wasn’t abusive or rude …. I may just have seemed a bit inappropriate or desperate! If comments appeared and then disappeared this was because I realised what I was doing and tried to censor myself.
Unfortunately, the other side effect of this is that, I actually stop doing anything or going anywhere that I may have planned for, late in the weekend. An example of this was that I had planned to go to church on Sunday, which would have had the dual effect of getting me out of the house and given me people to talk too. But because I stayed up most of the night, online, I was to tired in the morning to even think about going anywhere.
It is almost like an out of body experience. I can clearly see what I am doing, when I am doing it but I feel totally powerless to stop it! Sometimes, like this weekend, it actually culminates in physical symptoms of insomnia, upset stomach, vision problems due to extreme fatigue and withdrawal anxiety if I do not have my phone or laptop next to me at all times.
So why is the question that I am asking myself? Why do I let this happen to myself? I know when it is beginning. I can feel that familiar dread when I realise that I have been staring at my commuter for 5 hours straight and have not eaten or had anything to drink during that time! I also, know that fooling myself by changing to doing something productive, like sorting my digital photos or writing up plans for the coming week or even creating playlists to help me exercise more happily, are just that ….. fooling myself! I know this because when it comes to Sunday night and I have not done either of the 2 tasks online, that have to be done before Monday morning (writing my Monday blog post and researching jobs for my Employment meeting on Monday morning) I know that I am avoiding living! Fooling myself – really? How gullible do I think I am?
So late Sunday night, I take myself in hand and give myself a good talking to. Do the necessary research for my meeting in the morning and head to bed early. Of course, I do not turn my phone off and before long that comforting PING occurs and this pops into my inbox …. from one of my sons! Obviously, I am fooling no one!!!!
But it is way too late by then. I am so far down the rabbit hole, I can hardly see the light. Stopping seems impossible. My stomach is playing up so much, that for most of the night I am up and down to the bathroom and by the 4th time, I realise I have my phone in hand …..
So here I am, on Monday morning, feeling guilty and fearful and annoyed and tired and stupid! And I happen to know that only half of those accusations are deserved! I did actually do some productive things over the weekend. I continued to do my much hated exercise program. I changed the sheets on my bed! (Small steps, People!) I got a new battery for my car! And here is the big one …. I got out of bed each day and had a shower!! I do notice that all of those things are done alone without the necessity of being with other people! That my friends is progress ….. This time last year, I would not have done any of those things. I would have simply crawled back into bed and stayed there. For the whole weekend. And probably for Monday, too!
Monday morning is here! The weekend is gone! With it, I try to focus on the art of living and it is an art! I have achieved being alive but am still working on living my life! Because living means making the choice to participate in real life not just in a fantasy life where no one can touch you and where you can fool yourself into thinking that you really don’t need to ask people for help when you actually do!
So, weekends are now open for bookings! If you have been thinking that everyone else is covering them …. they are not! And please – don’t take no for an answer. Make a date for another day if the day you want is taken!